I have dealt with anxiety my entire life, from when I was a kid and it has grown with me, by that, I mean it has gotten more and more traumatizing and debilitating. Anyone who has anxiety, depression or any mental instability or fluctuation, you have my sympathy and also my ear… if you ever need to talk!
I have been a few different medications for both anxiety and depression and I thought I found my saving grace in Lexapro. Looking at it right in this moment, I see it as a devil in disguise, but 6 months ago, it was what was keeping me afloat. It has been the one thing that has “fixed” me almost immediately when I needed it.
I initially went on it 6 or so years ago, and a doctor in Beverly Hills prescribed me 20 mg but when that plateaued, she bumped it up to 40 mg. Followed by a healthy dose of Klonopin for when, ya know, I was having rough-er days. Wow, did it do the job! I was living my best life, or so I thought. I intended to stay on that medication forever. However, 4 years ago I was being laid-off by one of the best places I had ever worked and was in between jobs… which meant, I was out of insurance. Womp Womp Womp!
It didn’t take long for that heavy of a dose to start peeling away layers of my brain (no dramatics here). You know that movie line where they say, “drugs will take out scoops from your brain, like ice-cream”, no saying rang truer to me. I couldn’t open my eyes without getting brain zaps, or having hot and cold sweats which lasted me roughly 2 whole months due to the amount of time I was on such a hefty dose. I couldn’t create complete sentences or when I tried to think of certain words, I sounded like I had the vocabulary of an elementary schooler. (I can say that because my sentences sound like our current 6 year old) This stripped away my confidence, my spirit, my certainty – by that I mean, I questioned everything I was saying, it wasn’t me talking – etc. I didn’t think I was ever going to get through it.
Fast forward a little bit and my anxiety was crippling again but I wasn’t ready to do anything drastic about it yet, so I waited and leaned on Ashlee to help me through. I made it through for roughly 2.5-3 years and sought out a doctor again. I literally asked to be put on Lexapro and Klonopin again – like WHAT – but it did it again, it gave me back my life. I felt able, I felt like I had my brain back and the confidence that I needed. But again, I plateaued after a year, however this doctor would not put me on anything above 20 mg, because that makes sense – honestly. She wanted to try other things, but in order to do that, I had to wean myself off of the Lexapro and introduce something completely foreign to me.
Now here I sit, as I’m writing this completely weaned of everything…. yes, everything, it’s just me, myself and I now…. I am going through withdrawals, something I never thought I would have to do again. But I am looking at this with a more positive outlook. Maybe Lexapro has done it’s job, it helped me through the times that were unbearable and crippling, only to put me through this reminder of why I am ready to let it be my hero. I am choosing to go off of all mind-altering medications to try to come back to myself, someone I haven’t gotten to know in a very long time.
I know this won’t be easy and I will likely have to lean on Ashlee again from time to time but my life is too great not to dive in head first. Exercise, baking, meditation, blogging, therapy – I want to be “me”. I hope it goes well.
So, although I know my journey is like others and also completely unlike others, I wanted to share this intimate part of me. My anxiety has controlled me for most of my life but I am only making this change, because I have an amazing partner, support system and life – for the most part. If I didn’t have that, I know I could not do this alone. I know this journey is not for everyone who’s on meds, because like I said, sometimes it’s our saving grace, our only way through. And some need medication for life, and that’s okay too, my story is only mine and looking back on my life, it has helped me understand what steps I need to take next.
So proud of you